I remember...

I remember
the first time
you told me you didn't care about me
the first time
you said it to my face,
I remember those words
being screamed into my ears
as I held back tears
knowing they would only make it worse.

Because,
long ago
you told me I wasn't allowed to cry
that it was weak
and you made me afraid
to cry.

You always struck fear in my heart
I remember
how I would hide
behind the big table
in the other room
where you could never find me.
Or in the cupboard
in the bathroom
behind all the blankets.

You made me hide
because when I was hidden
I couldn't see the anger
in your eyes
and I couldn't smell
the alcohol on your breath.

My Mom says,
there was a time when you weren't like this
when I loved you
and you loved me,
when I would come to you
when I was crying
or when I was hurt.

But I don't remember that
it was so long ago
I can only remember
the first time I used a razor blade
I think,
I was 10 or 11

It was actualy a pencil
not a blade
I would stab it into my leg
while you were downstairs
screaming at my sister,
I would scratch at the wound
at nights
when I heard her crying herself to sleep.

I learned
how not to cry
how to hide everything inside
how to escape
from you.

Don't most people
remember the childhood fondly?
For me
it is something I try to forget
I try to forget the time I was raped
but it comes to me in my dreams

I try to forget
that you didn't do anything
to stop it
that you didn't care
when I told you I remembered.

You taught me
that promises mean nothing
when made by someone who doesn't love you
because,
they will never be fulfilled

You taught me
that words mean nothing
that they never have
and never will.

Because
they are lies
and those lies
hurt
to much to bear.

And now
you have made me realize
that through all this
I have to do the one thing
that hurts me more
then anything else

You made me
make you leave
and now
my mother is crying
because of it
and my heart is tearing apart

and yet
I know
that I made the right decision
and although it hurts
I had to do it

Because
it would have hurt so much more
if I hadn't